What should you wear to an interview? “Something” is a good start.
There’s some great advice out there for doing well at job interviews. This is not that advice. These answers are guaranteed to remove you from further consideration.
Tell me about yourself.
Why? What have you heard?
Why did you leave your last job?
Security said I had to.
What is your greatest strength?
Optimism in the face of repeated failure.
What is your greatest weakness?
Fear of spiders. Wait, does this job involve spiders? Then I’m OK with spiders. Really — I swear I am. [shudders]
Tell me about a time you overcame adversity.
I once rolled three natural 20s to defeat a mountain troll in the Caves of Chaos. He was wielding a +2 vorpal sword, and all I had was leather armor and a Bag of Holding. But, with some imaginative footwork and a few lucky rolls of the dice, I defeated him soundly and earned an outrageous number of experience points. Booyah! Continue reading
Yesterday, the driver next to me at a light honked his horn, then held up a sign telling me about a problem with my minivan that I need to get fixed ASAP. (“Expired car tags,” if you’re wondering.)
My two immediate thoughts:
- Wow! What a helpful guy! Thank you!
- Wait a sec â€“ who just carries around a sign like that? Are expired car tags a cause near to his heart? Does he have a whole stack of signs for various problems? “Your left turn signal is out.” “Front passenger-side tire is low on air.” “Blue smoke coming out of your exhaust.” “Bumper falling off.”
How many signs does that guy have?
Terrible. Just terrible.
1. **Dubble Bubble – “Original” Flavor.** In an emergency, Original flavor Dubble Bubble can be used to patch bicycle tubes. Even worse, they were *right next* to the Green Apple and Grape flavors at the grocery store. C’mon, people!
1. **Spider-Man “Candy Sticks.”** These are [candy cigarettes](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Candy_cigarette) that were discovered in a warehouse somewhere and repackaged to be politically correct. My children actually fought over the one box we received. Since I used the distraction to steal Fun-Size Snickers from their baskets, I didn’t stop them.
1. **Atomic Fireballs.** I love the taste, but I could do without the **adamantium-coating** and the mouthful of cinnamon-flavored saliva. Give me **Red Hots** any day. I bet dentists make a fortune off these things.
1. **Chocolate coins.** Do you know what I use these for? I tell my kids that they’re real coins and buy all their Butterfingers from them.
1. **Sweet & Sour Twizzlers.** Disgusting. Mushy on the inside, rubbery on the outside, with an absolutely horrible “sour” taste that wasn’t at all sweet. I took one bite and threw away the rest. It has to be a *really* bad piece of candy for me *not* to finish eating it. I have found loose Jelly Belly jelly beans under a couch cushion, and I’m not proud of the amount of self-discipline it required to throw them away.
In case you haven’t had time or money to create a good Halloween costume, here are 5 terrible costume ideas that won’t require any expense or advance preparation.
1. Time Traveler from the Future. We all know that changes to the past will change the future, right? So a time traveler from the future has to be very, very careful to blend in perfectly and do nothing out of the ordinary. This costume involves dressing as yourself and doing what you normally do, except you will be very, very careful about doing it.
2. Bigfoot. Don’t let anyone see you or take a picture of you all night long.
3. Someone Else. You know those clothes you have in your closet that you never wear because they just don’t look like something you would wear? Wear them.
4. Mafia Victim. Hang out with your friends as normal, but be a little bit too talkative about sensitive information. Partway through the night, disappear without leaving a trace.
5. Movie Extra. This one is extremely difficult to pull off. Wear clothing that blends in with the crowd and make sure that all of your reactions are appropriate for the moment. When you talk to other people, say nothing except “Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.” Whatever you do, don’t upstage the leads.