There’s some great advice out there for doing well at job interviews. This is not that advice. These answers are guaranteed to remove you from further consideration.

Tell me about yourself.

Why? What have you heard?

Why did you leave your last job?

Security said I had to.

What is your greatest strength?

Optimism in the face of repeated failure.

What is your greatest weakness?

Fear of spiders. Wait, does this job involve spiders? Then I’m OK with spiders. Really — I swear I am. [shudders]

Tell me about a time you overcame adversity.

I once rolled three natural 20s to defeat a mountain troll in the Caves of Chaos. He was wielding a +2 vorpal sword, and all I had was leather armor and a Bag of Holding. But, with some imaginative footwork and a few lucky rolls of the dice, I defeated him soundly and earned an outrageous number of experience points. Booyah!

Why do you want to work for us?

I’ve heard the company picnic is off the hook.

What do you know about our company so far?

Very few of your employees have car alarms.

What’s most important to you in a new position?

How long would I be in this position? If it’s more than 15 minutes, comfort and blood circulation are very important.

What has been your greatest achievement?

Winning a gold medal with the 1992 US Olympic Dream Team. I feel like we all contributed to that effort.

If I spoke with your previous boss, what would he say about you?

It depends on how much he’d had to drink. Glug glug, if you get my drift. He was an alcoholic, is what I’m trying to say.

Give me an example of when you had to think outside of the box.

So there was this box, OK? If I didn’t get out of the box in 60 seconds, a bomb would destroy the orphanage. All I had was a 9-volt battery, two silver dollars, and a pair of old socks. A little MacGyver action and boom — I was out of the box.

What can you do for us that other candidates can’t?

Sleep with my wife.

…I hope.

If you were at a business lunch and you ordered a rare steak and they brought it to you well done, what would you do?

I would explain calmly that blood is required by my religious beliefs and request another, bloodier steak.

What are your goals?

I’d like to be taller.

What’s the last book you read?

Fifty Shades of Gray.

Do you have any questions for me?

Is there a restroom I could use?