The three-hour tour has not been kind to Gilligan…

Isn’t the world ready for a remake of Gilligan’s Island? Not just any remake, either, but a dark remake, along the lines of Battlestar Galactica or Christopher Nolan’s Batman. Here’s who I would cast:

• Gilligan: Christian Bale, at his Machinist weight
• The Skipper: Jeff Bridges
• The Professor: Russell Crowe – as time progresses, the Professor can sink into A Beautiful Mind-style psychosis
• Mary Ann: Natalie Portman
• Ginger: Christina Hendricks
• Thurston P. Howell III: Frank Langella
• Mrs. Howell: Helen Mirren, though I’m not sure the world is ready for a Mrs. Howell who looks good in a bikini
• Bonus! Harlem Globetrotters: the Miami Heat

Who would you cast in the dark remake of Gilligan’s Island?